Single, Party of One: Peace, Purpose, + Clarity in the Solitude

3 months ago I deleted my online dating apps. I haven’t looked back since.

Full disclosure. I’ve been hesitant to write about this topic, but God has a funny way about Him. I have a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. I was married. Later divorced. And then back into the throes of dating in my mid-thirties. It’s been on my heart to start sharing, but I wanted to be careful about my approach. I didn’t want to come off bitter, hurt, broken, or a “man hater” because I’m not. Actually, I’m the complete opposite. I love men. Like, really love them. And if anything, I’ve grown grateful for them. Recently, I’ve actually had a few people (both men and women!) request that I start sharing more about dating and relationships; the confirmation needed for me to start authentically sharing about recent life. While it hasn’t always fun, maybe God has been lining everything up for a bigger purpose? Maybe His hand has been writing every detail of my story to get me right here, exactly where I’m meant to be? I believe it has.

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Dear Captor of my Heart

Dear Captor of my Heart:

Whoever you are, I'm not sure we've met yet...but I know you're out there somewhere.  I feel you.  It's almost as if time and space have been obliterated and somehow we are connected.  And I hope that you are okay.  I pray you feel peace.  I pray that you are full of joy.  I pray you are overwhelmed with love.  

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Today I am single and I celebrate Valentine's Day without you.  I bought myself roses and little cheesecakes shaped in hearts; I treated myself.  No, I'm not throwing myself a pity party and it's certainly not because I feel sad.  It's because I am whole.  And with or without you, my heart is content.  I have walked into my worthiness as a woman.  I now carry myself as a daughter of the Highest King.  I know who I am.  I know what I stand for.  I know what I won't settle for.  And I know what I'm waiting for, with you.  

I want you to know something.  I need you to be strong.  I need you to know that as God's son, you are called to lead me.  To carry me.  To be of wisdom.  To cherish me.  To honor me.  To love me deeply, passionately, and sacrificially.  

Don't get me wrong; I too am strong.  I am a resilient warrior, an overcomer, a victor because of Christ.  But while my feet are firmly planted in The Word and I wear the armor of God each and every day...sometimes I stumble.  I have moments of despair.  I have times when I need you to hold me.  To come alongside me.  To challenge me.  To encourage me.  To push me. To point me to Truth. To love me. To be my other half.

Know that you are worthy of my love just as you are worthy of God's.  You are His handiwork.  You are a leader.  You have His muscle; His power is within you.  And so I pray you walk with confidence.  No, not arrogance, my love.  But quiet confidence, knowing that you have God and me right alongside you.  When we look at you, we can't help but smile at the man you have become.  I know your life hasn't always been easy.  I know you have been through the trenches.  I know you have suffered loss and heartbreak.  And I know you feel broken at times.  Lost.  Lonely. Even afraid.  But I want you to know, my sweet, you were never abandoned.  God has been right there beside you, pouring out His compassion and extending His grace for all that guilt and shame you carry.  You are released from that bondage.  You have been set free.  And He will guide you.  He will love you.  No matter what. 

I know you feel pain, Handsome.  Maybe even insecurity at times.  But I want you to know that your life is a beautiful story.  All of the wounds.  All of the pain.  The darkness I know you want to forget.  But all along, there has been a glimmer of beauty, of light.  All of it has been equipping you for this very moment.  Preparing you.  Refining you.  Readying your feet to lead others, to inspire, to provide hope.  Your story, my courageous man, is meant to leave a major impact in this world.  It is meant to glorify God.  It is integral in the telling of His story.  And it is meant to bring others to our Father's amazing love.  His miracle-working power.  

Just as I need you, you need my love too.  God has meant for us to come together as one.  We are stronger together.  We have better return for our labor.  When one of us falls, we can help each other up.  We can keep each other warm.  We can defend each other.  And our love, together with God at the center, will not be a cord easily broken (Ecc 4:9-12).  

I love you.  I look at you with adoration.  I honor you.  I respect you.  Thank you for all that you are.  Thank you for finding me.  Thank you for showing me the love of a man that I have missed for so long.  Thank you for cherishing all that I am.  Even my own broken pieces.  

I can't wait for our life together.  The memories.  The wild goose chase.  The highs, the lows, the falls, and the triumphs.  For our precious children; our little blessings from God.  I can't wait to see you in their faces.  I can't wait for your little quirks to shine through in their personalities.  I can't wait to watch them grow.  To equip them for this fallen world together. With God as our guidepost.  

We will have moments that we can't keep our hands off of each other walking through the grocery store.  Or even at the movie theater.  Moments when we are in alignment, connected, and passionate.  But we will fight.  We will have times of disconnect.  And yet we always find our way back to one another.  And somehow we come back stronger than ever.  That's because we choose to relentlessly love one another.  We won't let the evil one destroy that which is good.  Our enemy wants us to destruct.  Our light of love shines so brightly that he will want to come between us.  But we are wiser than that.  And we fight our battles through prayer and Truth.  He has nothing on us.  He will fall at our feet.  And we will stand unshaken.  

Until then, I am praying for you.  Please know that I am okay.  I am full of God's love and I feel such joy and peace, like never before.  In the meantime, I am continuing on with my own mission.  And he is preparing me for you.  And you for me.  For when that precious day comes.  

So this Valentine's Day, I celebrate.  I celebrate the love I have within.  The amazing love of my Holy Creator.  The Author of my life.  The one who will bring me you.  

With love, my darling, Happy Valentine's Day.  

xx, Lauren